Single but not alone (A birthday Post)

When a woman reaches the age of 30, uncommitted with no eligible prospect in sight, suddenly people gets "interested" in her - not in a good way – but either be the ‘topic’ at the office or at any family gatherings or she will become an exhibit or an experiment. They couldn’t wait to give their unsolicited advice topped with all types of formulas, theories, and a ten-point how-to-tips in order that they may finally be able to get her hitched. 

Welcome to my world!

Yes, being single in your 30ish isn’t easy. Lotsa people will ask and will continue asking when are you gonna marry. It’s as if you can just marry anyone. My not so favorite moment is when people would ask me (as if they haven’t asked me before), “Why are you still single?”. I could come up with several answers depending on who is asking the question. But my honest-to-goodness response would only be, “I don’t know.” I mean seriously, I just really don’t know! Well, I did not plan any of these – certainly not!  In fact, I planned to get married at the age of 28 to 30, have 2 little ones and retire at the age of  60! I’ve been into relationship and I guess I tried so hard, but it just didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. So, what I have right now and where I am right now is NOT part of my plan.

Everybody loves to talk about relationships and there’s nothing wrong about it. But if you’re putting too much pressure on someone because of their relationship status, you’re making them feel miserable, you make them feel sorry for themselves for not having someone. 

I admit, being single can suck – big time! It can get lonely. It can make us feel undesirable or unloved and we all want to be wanted because it’s the feeling we all want to have. Having someone simply makes us feel good - it makes us feel wanted. But let me tell you, it’s a temporary fix to our loneliness.

Let me just remind you that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re not wanted. You’re wanted by our first love – the King of kings! And there’s nothing greater than that.

Nowadays, we’ve made a humdrum of wasting our singleness by wishing it doesn’t exist. We’ve used up too much time praying for a future spouse and not enough time praying for the Lord to fully satisfy us in who He is. We’ve spent too much time wasting our breath saying “I need  someone to love” and not enough time saying “Lord, help me to love You more.” 

When we start to treat our singleness as a gift rather than a curse, then we’ll begin to appreciate it as a gift. We’ll begin to acquire things about ourselves that we didn’t even know we needed to learn. We’ll begin to love the Lord in radical ways that we didn’t even realize we could love Him in. We’ll begin to receive love from Him and from others that we didn’t even know we needed to accept love in.

Every day I have to surrender my worldly desires, my dreams, my expectations, my needs, my wants and focus on what I have at the moment. Every day is a gift and there are just so many things I could be joyful about. I pray to God to open my eyes in order to see those gifts. Indeed, there’s a lot!

  

But at the end of the day, nothing could ever yet compare to being in His presence, knowing that I need not be afraid of what tomorrow would bring because He loves me. He knows everything about me. He created me so He knows exactly what I need and when I need them. I simply have to trust Him.

And if that special guy comes along, at least he would find me in my most complete state – not desperate or broken – but full of life and filled with love!

To all the ladies who are in the same boat with me, let me raise your spirits. There are so many beautiful things to be glad about in this season. Ask God to open your eyes to see His beautiful gifts just for you. Life should not start only when you find your lifetime partner. Life should begin right now – exactly where you are. Do not allow waiting to kill you like a wilting flower. Shine and bloom where God has planted you. Be the best person that you can be and allow the glory of God to shine upon you and within you.

Do not allow yourself to be carried away by your emotions and settle for whoever is within your arms reach. But rather let the wisdom and spirit of God carry you through the man, God has been raising up to be your husband. Who knows, he just might turn up one day and sweep you off your feet! Oh, that would be absolutely amazing! 

In this season of singleness, God wants us to learn the depth of intimacy with Him. This is the season I’ve found myself in; the Lord has been radically filling me with all of who He is because I’m at a point in my life where I fully desire nothing and no one but Him. I find myself so often on my face begging for more of Him. It’s beautiful. It’s life-changing. It’s a season I’ll never forget. Just Him and I. Me and Him. Nothing else. No one else.

  

God bless your hearts!

xxAshxx

Home is what I felt.

I love how you sheepishly beam whenever I catch you staring at me. 

You fix your gaze on my face as if it's the last time you'll see me.

I like the way you look at me, as if I were made of stardust and moonlight. 

The kind of gaze that lingers and seeps into the soul.

I want you to keep staring at me, so you won’t forget my not so pretty face.

I want you to keep staring at me so I can remember every mark on your face - your mole, your fine lines, your brown eyes.

I want you to keep staring at me so I can kiss you passionately.

Then...

I will love you when the sunrise feels hopelessly vanished and the sunset lost its magic.

I will love you when it seems there's nothing left but emptiness and darkness.

I will love you on cold summer nights when you crave warmth and a tight hug.

I will love you and kiss you until the morning light.

I will hold you close and calm your fears. I will shower you with soft and sweet kisses.

I will love you while the world offers us boundless uncertainty and copious hope.

I will love you for the man you are, what you will become, and even the little boy within you.

I will love you with everything I know how to love.

Because…

When I look at you, I see my fate intertwined with yours.

Home is what I felt.

 ❤❤❤

Ash

posted from Bloggeroid

Let her be.

Her psyche is breathlessly gorgeous.

She stumbled into the midst of the ugliest, most aching, and painful battle, 

and then grew the most stunning wings.

And soar.

She soared above the heavy clouds of tears and sadness, 

attempting to sprinkle her glimmering dust of joy.

She is a brave, lovely, and fair maiden - full of hopes and dreams.

She yearned to kiss the rain and drink in its sweet raindrops.

Let her be.

Don’t put her in a dungeon.

Let her fly and see her inner beauty.

Let her see her worth and value.

Allow her eyes to sparkle and her voice to be heard.

Let her re-discover the world.

Travel and create great memories with her.

Don’t take her for granted.  

Fly with her.

Appreciate everything about her.

Don't compare her wings to anyone else's. She owns it, and she worked hard for it.

She deserves nothing but the best.

See her beautiful world and embrace her innocence and kindness.

She want nothing but your love.

Don't break her wings. It took a long time for her to grow such beautiful wings.

Shower her with love and let her heart flourish.

Guard her heart as you guard yours. Her heart is frail, but it is true.

She doesn't want half-hearted relationships.

She values your heart as a precious stone and will take good care of you.

She will always prove your worth.

She will cheer you up and would never ever leave you.

She's a fighter. She is both brave and vulnerable.

Don't be perplexed or pass judgment on her based on her moods.

She’s a woman with a girl’s innocent heart

and beneath her beautiful wings are the scars of yesterday.

xx

Ash

Blue.

Photo : My Instagram 

Take me out of this lonely cell of life.

Show me the flowers vibrant blooms,

Show me the tired but smiling sun and the hopeful moon.

Show me the life as I seek for a more accurate version of truth.

Show me  that you could be anything, anything in this messed up world!

And when I’m  something worth myself, leave.

Blame and condemn time, 'cause that's a better excuse.
Leave and blame me for not being perfect blame me for being too forthright.

For being not so beautiful. Blame me for being too simple and for being real.

Then let's break and hurt each other until there's nothing left of us.

Let us fall madly in love and then part ways, never to see each other again. never.

 Xx

Ash

Lost.

Sometimes, I can't see what I'm looking for.

Is it the life of a traveler, with thoughts of becoming someone?

Is it the life of a liar, with the face of a happy girl, pretending to be ok?
Is it the life of a hopeless romantic, holding her scarred heart?

Who am I anyway? Why am I doing this?

Sometimes I wish I had chosen lesser complications in life. Some days remind me of things left undone, untold im sorrys and the dreaded hollowness. Sometimes I feel like all the cells I was born with is dying.

I’ve been crying my eyes out, alone in my room, while that mascara drains off and my eyelids are swollen. I tried so hard not to hurt anyone, even when they did everything possible to hurt every fiber of my being.

xx

Of Love and Waiting

Almost always, when we fall in love so swiftly, we are likely to fall for someone who doesn't deserve our love. We even let ourselves believe that it’s true love. We are being duped by their saccharine poisonous words. We were blinded by the dazzling glitters of their promises. Then we'll realize that we squandered our time, blood, sweat, tears, and love for that brief period of relationship.

We should not be wasting our tears and time on those who want shortcuts, are reckless, and hit and run. Those people will not help you grow as a person. They will simply suck all of your happiness and seize your dreams.

Stoplights remind us to take a moment to enjoy life, to let go and relax, and to be grateful for what we have. Slow down. Do not rush.

Just because we paused, changed lanes, or avoided those toxic people in our lives does not diminish our worth as human beings. We're actually doing it correctly. Lao Tzu's go with the flow is overrated.

We must learn to create our own waves in order to reach the ocean of bliss and contentment. We should not be influenced by social media or what is popular and trending. We can be unique - in a positive way.

Life should be nurtured and cherished. Feed and strengthen your heart. Let us not force ourselves to fit in, blend in, and bend our personalities in order for them to love us. Don't rush. Take it slow and easy. Relax. Hang tight.

You'll get to our destination soon. You'll meet someone who is eager to take the wheel for you. Someone who will not take shortcuts, someone who will carefully show you the way so you can enjoy the sweet twists and turns of life, and both of you will savor each moment and enjoy the view.

You'll meet someone who has goals rather than dreams. Someone who will fall in love with our souls rather than our bodies. Someone who will adore your brilliant mind, wit, and sense of humour. Someone who will accept and embrace everything about your beautiful self and will not use your past to make you feel bad about yourself. You'll meet someone who will prioritize you and will not allow anyone, not even his closest friends, to interfere with your relationship. Someone who will not make you feel like an outcast in his group. Someone who will make you feel appreciated because you are a treasure. Someone who will build a palace for you and make you his queen.

We are diamonds, gold, and all the other precious stones.

We must understand our worth and value.

We deserve to be treated with respect.

Allow no one to control you or abuse you, either mentally or physically. You do not deserve any of these things. If you must, if you can, and if you have enough time, stay away. Be brave. You are strong.

You are beautiful. 

love,

Ash B. ❤

Judge Me Not.

Today, I am feeling sad and melancholy. With all the pains and heartaches I am having/dealing with for the past half a year, I'd say that my heart's badly broken. Don't know if this will be fixed and how it'll be fixed. But hey I am always hopeful. I am always trying to keep my head above the waters.

When others misjudge you, it tears every fiber of your being apart. They will pass judgment on you for something they do not even know or understand. They will pass judgment on you based on how they perceive things. As they say, "life is unfair." People, not life, are unfair.

It's natural to pass judgment on others because that's what humans do. We make snap judgments without knowing the true score. How will you know the entire story of the book if you only skim it and never finish it? Is chapter 1 sufficient to understand the entire story? That's how we are, most of the time. And this is especially disappointing when you have high expectations for that person. Just when you thought they'd be your shield against this world of frailty and apathy, you'll find that they're the ones who'll put a bullet in your head or an arrow in your chest.  They will not see the good in you, and they will forget everything good about you—your wit and humor, your beautiful mind and loving soul—but they will always remember your flaws and shortcomings.

We'll all make stupid decisions, hurt people we care about, say things we'll regret later, and push too hard to get our way. If you tell me you haven't done any of these things, you're lying to me and to yourself. If you still insist, please tell me "how to be you po?!"

It's nice to have friends; who doesn't? Friends are there to keep us sane, to guide us, and to help us grow as individuals. Friends should be there to support or assist you in repairing a broken relationship, not to wreck or ruin it. If that 'friend' is already interfering in your relationship, you should be wary. And that friend should be aware of her own limits. However, as the old saying goes, "it takes two to tango."

I am fortunate to have friends who are truly amazing and kind. Friends who will laugh with me rather than at me. Friends who will remove the bullet from my head. Friends who understand me and will hug me so tightly.

I'm getting rid of the toxic people in my life. I want to be surrounded by people who love unconditionally and are willing to share their lives with me. Those who can enlighten my heart and soul. I'm gonna live my life the way i want it to be.

Lovelies, let’s spread love. Sorry if i rant. Can't help it.

Ash B. ❤

Goodbye Dog :(

Losing a pet is never easy. But I didn't expect it to be this difficult.

My 8-year-old dog died yesterday, August 27, 2016. A week ago, he wasn't feeling well, so I carried him on my arms, let him drink from my warm palms, and fed him. He isn't eating any, but he licked my hands to get a few drops of water. I'm sure there's something wrong with him. I told him to be strong; I knew we were getting old, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet. He's been my pal for the past eight years. He has brought me pure joy and shown me loyalty that no human can provide. I have thousands of wonderful memories of Ginger.

I was so excited to get home last Saturday, but I got stuck in heavy traffic. My sister informed me via text message that Ginger had died. I was only 30 minutes away from home. 30mins! If I hadn't been stuck in traffic, I could have seen and hugged him one last time. I was heartbroken. My heart was broken, and I felt as if my soul had abandoned me. I sobbed. I sobbed uncontrollably. The pain cut deep. . The passenger next to me was intrigued but too shy to ask what was going on. He'll never understand me anyway. My eyes are swollen and red from crying. Ginger left while I was gone. How is this possible? I'm sure he waited for me. I know he was super excited to see me, but I was late. 

My dad buried him near the flower garden at the UCCP grounds. I had to say goodbye to a wonderful pet/family member. They say that pets should leave once their mission is completed. But accepting it is extremely difficult for me. I'm not ashamed to tell the world that I'm missing my pet. "Come on, he's just a dog, you can get another dog, and you already have Erwin (my brother's dog)," someone said. " He's more than a dog. He's a family member, a good companion, and he always made me happy when I was down. He's waiting for me to get home.  He loves me so much. He listens to me. You wouldn’t understand a pet lover’s heart unless you are one of us.

This will be a long process. But I’ll get through it.

*** Updated today, August 31, 2016.

Dear Ginger,

I haven’t had the chance to see you to say goodbye so I am writing this little love note for you.

I am missing you so much! I am sorry that I wasn’t there when you died. I know you waited for me that day. I knew because you tried to walk to see who arrived, but you were too weak to walk and too tired to stand. I still remember your face;  when I look into your eyes, I can see my soul. I wish I was there early. Your bud, Erwin cried, too. He’s really sad and I know that he misses you as much as we do.  

Ginger, remember that we all loved you with all of our hearts. You made our lives more special. You are such a wonderful dog. You were missed by the seniors as well. They missed you at the midweek prayer meeting. I had no idea you were a regular. Hah! You made me so proud! They said you were always present every Wednesday, and you'd just sit quietly under the long table. I'm curious if you pray. Maybe you do. You're the sweetest dog ever! You have never harmed anyone. You would rather be hurt than hurt someone. You have gentle eyes and a loving soul. We love you so much that I can't let you go easily.

We named you Ginger "Tuta" Bamba because you are more than just a pet to us; you are our newest family member. Despite your age, I called you tuta because you will always be my baby, our pup!

I'm not sure how long I'll be sad for you, but one thing is certain: I will love you forever! Don't worry, I'll look after Erwin as well.

We will be forever grateful because we once shared a wonderful life with you. Thank you kindly, Ginger. Ate adores and loves you big time!

Arf! Arf!

Ash xx  

posted from Bloggeroid

New Chapter.

Photo: Google

I could write a book about our love story, how we met and fell in love. I can also tell you how we left our book open and unfinished. The last three years have gone by so quickly. We lived separate lives. You had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. Both failed to last. Both were unsuccessful. You moved on. I'm getting over my previous relationship. My heart was shattered, and I'm still picking up the pieces of my susceptible heart. 

I was still clearing out the cobwebs in my heart when you came back, asking me to finish the book of our love. I was hesitant, but you were persistent. Our story is frenzied and twitchy. We began talking again, as we had done since 2011. We talked about the joys and pitfalls of life for hours, or until our batteries died. We began sharing our shameless selfies' again as we continued to uncover our souls without fear of being judged. We began to rekindle the flame, remembering the times we had shared but had forgotten. It was a virtual and fleeting passion.

I know our love story is unlike that of other couples, but those who have been in a long distance relationship understand the pain, fear, and excitement. Despite the fact that I am still wounded from my last battle with Cupid, you invited me to stay with a thousand promises. You planned to start over, to move together and build our own beautiful haven. 

I'm terrified of our history. I still despise the distance and the ocean that divides us. You warned me not to hold back. I overthink things. You keep the balance.

But I doubt I'll be able to keep our book open. I'm not ready to start scribbling new stories on each blank page, and I'm not willing to risk another long-distance relationship. One thing is certain: I would like to keep you as my good one true friend.

Ash

Let God heal my heart.

April’s been a challenge. I am going through a lot lately. I feel trapped, unloved, taken for granted and unappreciated. Our one and a half year has ended exactly one month after our Cebu trip. We’re actually having lots of issue the past few months and we thought that going to Cebu could at least help us save the relationship, but yeah, as they say, “all good things must come to an end”.

That phrase sucks, don’t you think? Hahaha! I mean, why do bad things happen to good people. Fine, I’m that good, but I am not that bad either!  Please blame me not, I am in the phase where my thoughts are incoherent and my reasoning isn’t logical, I’d say.  I  find myself crying/sobbing at night or while travelling to and from the office. It was heavy, chest heaving and glassy foggy cry.  I had a week where I act like a zombie.

I am still lucky though that I have a sister who understands me, and some friends who I can talk to and encourage me that life must go on, that I can make it, that I am young and pretty and bright. But those words aren’t   matching on what I thought of myself – I care and love too much. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t perfect. People seem to get tired of me – coz I am boring. I was thinking, maybe because I am getting fat, or perhaps I am not pretty, I might be too   giving that I forgot to leave something for myself. I don’t know. This isn’t me.

I know this is the best time to fill the void in me. I have more time for myself.

This is another kind of heart break.  :( I don’t know. Life’s being too hard for me. I am tired. I need to rest, but I am not gonna quit.

Ash B. ❤

This is how I will love you

If it is love, it cannot be simple or ordinary-

Come to me with everything.

Let me feel your hurting bones, and see your weary eyes.

Share me your grief and sorrow

Give me your qualms and worries.

Tell me about all the times you have felt pain paralyzing you entirely.

Give me yourself without any masks or any filters.

Allow me to kiss your scars, and caress your wounds.

I will be your blood to your veins,

The sunset of your summers and the sunrise of your mornings.

Give me your depth and strength and I promise; I will drown in it.

I will be the shore to your wild waves.

Tell me things that you hardly even tell yourself.

I will love you passionately until you fall in love with yourself and with me.

And then I will love you some more.

Though I haven’t met you yet,

Someday, somewhere, our paths will cross

And yes I will love you dearly with all my might.

Xx

Ash