I promised myself
not to scribble anything about us, the absence of us, the what could have been
us, and the “current state of us – because my world’s kinda chaotic right now and
I am trying to fathom the whole thing.
I guess our story
is uncontrollably laden with frenzied extremes; rife with tough relationship
algorithms; fueled with the overwhelming sequence of holding on and letting go-
that keeping it all inside will make me a captive in the fortress called “Us
But Not Quite”.
So I've decided to bring it to light to clear the cobwebs in my heart and free my soul from the heartbreaking state that we both created.
Where should I
start? Where should I begin? Should I start on the day you told me you liked me? That it’s
good to see the front row peeks of me every morning?
We met at the
crucial time when we’re both healing – we found solace in each other’s arms.
We always have the
hellos and good mornings and a lot of goodnight texts/chats. We were
inseparable. You saw a woman with a fiery spirit, you saw the child within me,
you saw how stubborn I can be. You appreciate everything about me. You remember what I wore to work that day, describing me as if I were one of the pretty girls in the building. My heart skipped a beat because of you.t.
You wanted to know
me more. You persevered and called me uncompromisingly. I am amused with
your flair of proper grammar and interest about a lot of things.
We talked about love, misadventures, and its quirks like love-sick teenagers. We talked about our daily struggles and joys. We traded Bible verses and devotions, videos, quotes, songs, and pictures of our mundane or bizarre lives. You even sent me a short poem one morning, and loads of sweet
messages.
And, despite your machismo, chagrin, and self-preservation, you sent me gratuitous "selfie shots" just to make me laugh. We got a lot more than we bargained for. We could tell that something special was developing between us. We also have more in common than we realized. We bared our souls to each other without fear of being judged. We also noticed that a spark was slowly igniting.
You said you found comfort in me, which scares you because you don't want to rely on me. You were terrified, as am I. You admitted to enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling of falling in love with the unknown. You imagined soft sunlight, new beginnings, morning cuddles, and waking up beside me. While I was sitting at the counter in your adorable kitchen, we talked about anything and everything. I enjoy the comfort of that old familiar sensation of falling in love.
But those happy times were fleeting - everything changed in less than a year. And eventually I noticed you drawing yourself away from me, as if I didn't exist. Yet you're sometimes here to throw curveballs and mixed signals. And here I am, still crazy at how you gave me just enough to keep me on my toes but not enough to keep me standing. I'll never understand what went wrong, why you can't cross the fence anymore. I wasn't sure if you lost interest or found someone new. But we should still need a closure, a farewell, an explanation no matter how pathetic that may be, so I can let you go.
