My FAT self

It’s been a while since I visited this blog, so I am sorry if I haven’t updated this lately. Well, I’m not sure if I have a reader/follower, so whatever.  I've noticed that I have a number of blog posts sitting in my drafts – Calaguas Summer Escapade, Boracay Experience, Love advice, diet and exercise etc.  And speaking of diet and exercise, I guess I got to start with the latter.

I’ve been wanting to write something about my love-hate relationship with food and how my weight gained terrifically, but I always end up clearing off the drafts. So today, I decided to totally share what I think and feel about my almost-michelin-like body. Yes, I am fat and I’m not loving it. My normal weight is between 49-53kgs. Last November 2014, my weight soared awfully high to 57kg and as of this writing, it went up to 60-freakin-kgs! Yes, I know, how did I let this happen to me, to my body? I don’t have anything against fat or chubby people. This is all about me- my feelings because it’s a day after day challenge for me to look for a dress, a blouse, a simple shirt, a pants or shorts, sigh! Everything seems to be too small for me. I’ve been trying to go on a  diet- not eating rice for a week, just bread and fruits which I believe is really helpful, but every weekend, I can’t say no to rice and pork or any meats served on our dining table. I can’t resist the temptation. The more I tried not to say yes to those yummy food, the more I crave in. *Sigh. I lack discipline. I exercise ONLY if I want to. Pilates really helps, but I got too lazy and busy, alright, just plain lazy! I am really frustrated that I am this big now.

I can’t enjoy going to the beach because I feel like the swimsuit doesn’t fit me well or better say, the swimsuit doesn't look good on me. I felt bad seeing other ladies on their bikini walking pompously at the beach, flaunting their sexy flawless body while I am on my swimsuit, covered with shorts and crocheted blouse and wrapped with a shawl. Can you imagine that? I was covering my fat self because I am ashamed how fat I am and scared that people will boo me in their minds. I know I know, I shouldn’t hate my body. I should have taken good care of myself if I want to feel better. But please, please don’t blame me that I am feeling this way. I just really felt frustrated about this ugh body! And yes, I only have few pants left – yes, I do have a lot of jeans but I can only wear 2 of them. Hear that? 2 of out 12 jeans? I don’t want to buy new not because I am being so frugal, but I want to challenge myself that I can still wear those jeans.  

So, I am giving myself 3-4 months to lose weight. And my goal? That’s 53kgs again. Yes, that may sound too unreal but, that’s a challenge that I need to face. Whatever the result is, I’ll be happy. So, cheers to a sexier and healthier me! *crossing my fat fingers.

Xoxo

Ash