Unanswered. Pending.

I promised myself not to scribble anything about us, the absence of us, the what could have been us, and the “current state of us – because my world’s kinda chaotic right now and I am trying to fathom the whole thing.

I guess our story is uncontrollably laden with frenzied extremes; rife with tough relationship algorithms; fueled with the overwhelming sequence of holding on and letting go- that keeping it all inside will make me a captive in the fortress called “Us But Not Quite”.

So I've decided to bring it to light to clear the cobwebs in my heart and free my soul from the heartbreaking state that we both created.

Where should I start? Where should I begin? Should I start on the day you told me you liked me? That it’s good to see the front row peeks of me every morning?

We met at the crucial time when we’re both healing – we found solace in each other’s arms.

We always have the hellos and good mornings and a lot of goodnight texts/chats. We were inseparable. You saw a woman with a fiery spirit, you saw the child within me, you saw how stubborn I can be. You appreciate everything about me. You remember what I wore to work that day, describing me as if I were one of the pretty girls in the building. My heart skipped a beat because of you.t.

You wanted to know me more. You persevered and called me uncompromisingly.  I am amused with your flair of proper grammar and interest about a lot of things. You taught me almost everything – darts, basketball, swimming, insurance, abacus, and even assisted me in my teaching demonstrations, among other things. You're my go-to guy.

We talked about love, misadventures, and its quirks like love-sick teenagers. We talked about our daily struggles and joys. We traded Bible verses and devotions, videos, quotes, songs, and pictures of our mundane or bizarre lives. You even sent me a short poem one morning, and loads of sweet messages.

And, despite your machismo, chagrin, and self-preservation, you sent me gratuitous "selfie shots" just to make me laugh. We got a lot more than we bargained for. We could tell that something special was developing between us. We also have more in common than we realized. We bared our souls to each other without fear of being judged. We also noticed that a spark was slowly igniting.

You said you found comfort in me, which scares you because you don't want to rely on me. You were terrified, as am I. You admitted to enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling of falling in love with the unknown. You imagined soft sunlight, new beginnings, morning cuddles, and waking up beside me. While I was sitting at the counter in your adorable kitchen, we talked about anything and everything. I enjoy the comfort of that old familiar sensation of falling in love.

But those happy times were fleeting - everything changed in less than a year. And eventually I noticed you drawing yourself away from me, as if I didn't exist. Yet you're sometimes here to throw curveballs and mixed signals. And here I am, still crazy at how you gave me just enough to keep me on my toes but not enough to keep me standing. I'll never understand what went wrong, why you can't cross the fence anymore. I wasn't sure if you lost interest or found someone new. But we should still need a closure, a farewell, an explanation no matter how pathetic that may be, so I can let you go.

Single but not alone (A birthday Post)

When a woman reaches the age of 30, uncommitted with no eligible prospect in sight, suddenly people gets "interested" in her - not in a good way – but either be the ‘topic’ at the office or at any family gatherings or she will become an exhibit or an experiment. They couldn’t wait to give their unsolicited advice topped with all types of formulas, theories, and a ten-point how-to-tips in order that they may finally be able to get her hitched. 

Welcome to my world!

Yes, being single in your 30ish isn’t easy. Lotsa people will ask and will continue asking when are you gonna marry. It’s as if you can just marry anyone. My not so favorite moment is when people would ask me (as if they haven’t asked me before), “Why are you still single?”. I could come up with several answers depending on who is asking the question. But my honest-to-goodness response would only be, “I don’t know.” I mean seriously, I just really don’t know! Well, I did not plan any of these – certainly not!  In fact, I planned to get married at the age of 28 to 30, have 2 little ones and retire at the age of  60! I’ve been into relationship and I guess I tried so hard, but it just didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. So, what I have right now and where I am right now is NOT part of my plan.

Everybody loves to talk about relationships and there’s nothing wrong about it. But if you’re putting too much pressure on someone because of their relationship status, you’re making them feel miserable, you make them feel sorry for themselves for not having someone. 

I admit, being single can suck – big time! It can get lonely. It can make us feel undesirable or unloved and we all want to be wanted because it’s the feeling we all want to have. Having someone simply makes us feel good - it makes us feel wanted. But let me tell you, it’s a temporary fix to our loneliness.

Let me just remind you that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re not wanted. You’re wanted by our first love – the King of kings! And there’s nothing greater than that.

Nowadays, we’ve made a humdrum of wasting our singleness by wishing it doesn’t exist. We’ve used up too much time praying for a future spouse and not enough time praying for the Lord to fully satisfy us in who He is. We’ve spent too much time wasting our breath saying “I need  someone to love” and not enough time saying “Lord, help me to love You more.” 

When we start to treat our singleness as a gift rather than a curse, then we’ll begin to appreciate it as a gift. We’ll begin to acquire things about ourselves that we didn’t even know we needed to learn. We’ll begin to love the Lord in radical ways that we didn’t even realize we could love Him in. We’ll begin to receive love from Him and from others that we didn’t even know we needed to accept love in.

Every day I have to surrender my worldly desires, my dreams, my expectations, my needs, my wants and focus on what I have at the moment. Every day is a gift and there are just so many things I could be joyful about. I pray to God to open my eyes in order to see those gifts. Indeed, there’s a lot!

  

But at the end of the day, nothing could ever yet compare to being in His presence, knowing that I need not be afraid of what tomorrow would bring because He loves me. He knows everything about me. He created me so He knows exactly what I need and when I need them. I simply have to trust Him.

And if that special guy comes along, at least he would find me in my most complete state – not desperate or broken – but full of life and filled with love!

To all the ladies who are in the same boat with me, let me raise your spirits. There are so many beautiful things to be glad about in this season. Ask God to open your eyes to see His beautiful gifts just for you. Life should not start only when you find your lifetime partner. Life should begin right now – exactly where you are. Do not allow waiting to kill you like a wilting flower. Shine and bloom where God has planted you. Be the best person that you can be and allow the glory of God to shine upon you and within you.

Do not allow yourself to be carried away by your emotions and settle for whoever is within your arms reach. But rather let the wisdom and spirit of God carry you through the man, God has been raising up to be your husband. Who knows, he just might turn up one day and sweep you off your feet! Oh, that would be absolutely amazing! 

In this season of singleness, God wants us to learn the depth of intimacy with Him. This is the season I’ve found myself in; the Lord has been radically filling me with all of who He is because I’m at a point in my life where I fully desire nothing and no one but Him. I find myself so often on my face begging for more of Him. It’s beautiful. It’s life-changing. It’s a season I’ll never forget. Just Him and I. Me and Him. Nothing else. No one else.

  

God bless your hearts!

xxAshxx